Corporate Terminology

• COMPETITIVE SALARY: We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
• JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY: We have no time to train you.
• CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE: We don't pay you enough to expect that you'll dress nicely.
• MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED: You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
• MUST BE FLEXIBLE: On many occasions, you'll be asked to bend over and grab your ankles.
• SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED: Some time each night and some time each weekend.
• DUTIES WILL VARY: Anyone in the office can boss you around.
• MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL: We have no quality control.
• CAREER-MINDED: Female employees must be childless (and remain that way).
• APPLY IN PERSON: If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.
• NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE: We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
• SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE: You'll need it to replace the three people who just left.
• PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS a MUST: You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
• REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS: You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
• GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS: Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.

Great Lines from Job Evaluations

1. I would not allow this employee to breed.

2. This associate is not so much of a has-been, but more definitely a won't be.

3. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.

4. When she opens her mouth, it seems it is only to change whatever foot was previously there.

5. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.

6. This young lady has delusions of adequacy.

7. He set low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

8. This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

9. This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better.

10. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

11. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard was not looking.

12. A room temperature IQ.

13. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it together.

14. A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.

15. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.

16. A prime candidate for natural de-selection.

17. Bright as Alaska in December.

18. One-celled organisms outscore him in IQ tests.

19. Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.

20. Fell out of the family tree.

21. Gates are down, lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

22. Has two brains: one is lost; the other one is out looking for it.

23. He's so dense, light bends around him.

24. If brains were taxed, she would get a refund.

25. If he were anymore stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

26. If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you will get change.

27. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.

28. It is hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.

29. on neuron short of a synapse.

30. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled.

31. Takes him an hour and a half to watch 60 minutes.

32. Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

33. Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

34. His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.